What does it mean to feel angry?
Feeling angry is normal and is something that we will all experience. It could be that you’re angry at someone, angry at school or even angry at the bed post you stubbed your toe on! What is important to know, is that we can control this emotion.
Anger is one of our basic emotions and it is useful for survival, we need to feel angry to be able to respond to situations. You might have heard of the ‘Fight or Flight’ response in science? When we say fight, this does not mean that it is okay to have a punch up with your old best friend. Instead, it means that we can use our anger to change laws, argue against injustice and show others that we disagree. So, our anger can be useful to us.
Here is a useful video to explain anger and ideas on how to manage it – Click here.
Along with recognising anger as part of life, we should also see that there are different types of anger that we might feel or show. Click on one of the links below to learn more about these:
Passive
Karolina is upset with her friend James because he started speaking to a new friend without her. She has stopped replying as she normally would to his messages and when he asks ‘Are you okay?’ she always responds and says ‘I’m fine’ when it is quite clear that she is not fine.
What happens next?
Karolina loses James as a friend altogether because she did not want to explain what had happened to make her upset. She now feels more angry.
Open
Jordan is upset with his dad because he wants him to start having a tutor to allow him to take triple science in his options. He has become so mad that he has been throwing things around and is now shouting at his dad about this situation. Dad is surprised and tries to remain calm.
What happens next?
Jordan now feels more angry as he reflects on the state of his room and the risk that he has upset his dad by shouting at him.
Assertive
Helen has recently been feeling confused about gender identity and is angry that her parents do not understand when it is first discussed. Helen would like to consider a name change to something more gender neutral and has approached this with the family, the response increased the anger felt. Helen has asked to sit with both parents and discuss this, the aim is to explain the feelings experienced and how their lack of understanding has made her feel angry.
What happens next?
Helen’s parents are now more open to discussion and have agreed to do some more reading on the topic area, Helen has given some support avenues for them and as a family they feel closer and more able to deal with this change in their dynamic.
What can I do when I feel angry?
- Talk about it – When you are angry the worst option is to ‘bottle it up’. Imagine yourself like a bottle of fizzy drink, internalising the anger is like giving it a shake every time. Eventually, the fizz takes over and explodes. Our mind works in the same way, if we cannot release the thoughts then they just keep building.
- Write about it – The same as above, but this is more personal. If you are angry but unsure how to talk about it with someone else, write it down first. You might decide that this is enough to make you feel calmer, or you might realise that now it is out there that it is easier to talk to someone else about it.
- Count! – When we are feeling most angry, the best thing to do is count. Try counting to ten and taking a deep breath in between each number. If you get to 10 and still feel angry, then count higher! We all deal differently, and 10 might work for you but your friend needs 50, both is totally fine and a way of learning to understand ourselves better.
- Get active – A great method of releasing anger is to sweat it out! Try a YouTube workout or go for a quick run/walk around the block. If you have had an argument with someone the best method to deal with it is to walk away. The physical motion will help your mind to process the anger and to form a better solution that shouting.
- Try to rationalise – When we get angry we also get irrational. What started as ‘I am upset about having to tidy my room’ soon becomes, ‘my parents are the worst humans on earth’. Which, on reflection, we know is absolutely not true. So, when you feel the anger bubbling, take a moment to rationalise and ask yourself ‘Why’, why are you being asked to do the tidying?
Who might be able to help?
Despite trying hard to do things yourself, we always need more help sometimes, remember that this is okay, that it is normal, and it is brave to admit as such. See below for some useful links to further support:
- Kooth offers confidential online support for young people aged 11 to 18.
- Teens Health has some great tips on understanding why you get angry, how to manage it and gives a 5 step approach to tackling it
- Young Minds’ pages on anger and how to manage it
- Your Life Counts A useful website that goes through the types of aggression and has online chat functions for your to talk that through with someone