What does it mean to have a normal relationship?
Relationships are tricky, especially in our teen years. As teens you are all in the same boat, new to relationships, keen to be in one but nervous. Often, the only relationships we know are those between our parents and carers at home, or perhaps amongst older siblings. The relationships we see as we grow up are the types we expect to have ourselves, this is called our Internal Working Model.
When in a relationship we can get carried away with the idea of being in a relationship that we forget to check whether or not we are happy. We need to remember to check in with ourselves and our partner to check that we are happy in the relationship, below are some examples of healthy and unhealthy relationship goals to help with this checking process:
A healthy relationship includes (This video summarises things too):
- Positive communication – You feel able to talk about your problems and trust that your partner will listen and respect your feelings and opinions. This includes when you feel there is an issue in the relationship you would like to resolve.
- Trust – Both partners trust what the other says and neither feels the need to ask their partner to ‘prove’ their trustworthiness.
- Respect – Partners should value one another’s needs, feelings and opinions. We should feel loved for who we are and not that we need to change to please one another.
- Honesty – Whilst some things might remain private you should be as open as possible with your partner, your honesty is what fosters a loving relationship. We feel closer to those we share our thoughts/feelings/memories with.
- Equality – Both partners should always be equal. Decisions should be made together and both partners should be able to do the things they love.
- Consent – If your relationship reaches a stage that includes sexual activity it is important to feel safe talking to your partner about this. No always mean no, it is important to listen carefully in these discussions to ensure that everyone feels safe. This video is a great way to explain consent – Cup of Tea Consent.
An unhealthy relationship includes:
- A lack of communication – When you come up to an issue in the relationship or just in your lives, something you disagree on perhaps. It is unhealthy to automatically argue about it or feel that you cannot discuss it with them at all.
- Disrespect – If you’re behaving unkindly to one another, perhaps making fun of each other, not calling each other back until you feel like it or talking to other potential partners. This is a disrespectful relationship.
- A lack of trust – If you don’t feel that you could comfortably tell your partner something or feel that you don’t trust what they say, this is unhealthy.
- Dishonesty – If you lie, fail to include all the facts or obscure the truth a little. For example, not telling your partner something that impacts on your relationship.
- Excessive control – Either partner tries to suggest that their own desires are more important than the others. This leads to one partner taking a more controlling role in the relationship, this might be simply always doing what partner A wants and partner B never gets the chance to express their desires.
- Restrictive contact – If you or your partner are restricting one another’s contact with other people. This could be in person and online. For example, telling someone that they can’t go to a party with their friends or that they need to remove certain people on social media.
- Pressured into doing things – This could be any day-to-day activity or sexual activity. One partner may add pressure to a situation to coerce their partner into a sexual act when they are not ready (see consent above for more help)
What can I do when I feel uncertain?
- Talk about it – Talking about your relationship is a normal part of life. We all do it, we can’t help but tell our closest friends about our significant others. The act of talking about the relationship will help you to do the checking process above. If you feel that you don’t want to tell people about your relationship, perhaps there is a reason for this.
- Write about it – Writing always helps. By writing our thoughts down it can help us to understand them better. Try writing out the emotions you feel or scenarios you have experienced and then you can reflect on them alone or with someone else to work out whether they show a healthy or unhealthy relationship.
- Ask to sit with your partner to discuss things – As we get older the importance of communication grows, if you are unhappy with your partner then it is best to get that all out in the open so tell them! If you can discuss it and move forwards together then that is perfect.
Who might be able to help?
Despite trying hard to do things yourself, we always need more help sometimes, remember that this is okay, that it is normal, and it is brave to admit as such. See below for some useful links to further support:
- Kooth offers confidential online support for young people aged 11 to 18 at Kooth.com
- Relate The relationship people have some quick guides on getting together with someone, breaking up and some common problems you might experience.
- BBC Bitesize has summarise a really useful wealth of information on healthy relationships.