What does it mean lose someone that you love?
Nobody is invincible. Losing someone that you love can feel like losing a part of yourself, it can become like a hole that you can never imagine filling. We all manage grief in a different way, some of us cry, some of us are angry and some of us are not quite sure what to feel. Whatever you’re feeling is normal and is all a part of the process of grieving.
Grief is defined as intense sorrow as a result of someone’s death, but don’t forget that we grieve for our pets too in very much the same way. It is okay to be really upset and it is okay to not feel upset at all, the emotions attached to losing someone can strike at any time. You might see an advert that reminds you of them, or mistakenly pick up the phone to call them and this might make you upset. This might be on the day you lose them or months later, we can’t predict how our mind will tackle the challenges of losing a loved one.
This video is a lovely representation of what grief would look like if it were a physical thing for us to see – Click here.
Below are some of the emotions and feelings you might experience, but it is important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel.
- Sadness – When we realise that we have lost someone completely we can feel the need to isolate ourselves to spend time remembering our loved one. Reflecting on happy memories can actually make us feel sad, but that’s okay.
- Numbness/denial – Our brains are quite clever and can recognise when something has gone wrong, losing someone definitely feels wrong and so to protect us, the brain springs to action. Our brain can tell us that this is not real, it gives us time to accept the truth and deal with it when our mind is ready to process it.
- Panic/confusion – Remember the hole left that we mentioned earlier, this is where panic can come in. Panicking about filling the hole left, perhaps there was something you used to rely on that person for? If so, it can be scary and confusing to imagine having to do that thing without them, of course, once we have had time to grieve we can adapt and use the knowledge we gained from our loved one.
- Anger – Losing someone feels really unfair, whether they have been poorly for a long time or if the loss was sudden, we always feel there was more we could have done or said. Sometimes we feel frustrated, especially when there doesn’t seem a clear cause to blame. These feelings are normal and are helpful to move through the stages of grief.
- Overwhelmed – As we said, grief is different for everyone. It can keep popping up unexpectedly over a long period of time or it can hit you like a ton of bricks all at once. This is when things get overwhelming and you can feel like you don’t know how you’ll live with these feelings, just know that they will settle over time.
- Relief – This might feel like a feeling you should not have, but it is actually very normal. When we lose someone it might be because they’ve been unwell for a long time and have been experiencing suffering. If you are close to that individual, it can feel relieving to know that they are free of the burden of their illness.
- Mixed feelings – When the relationship we had with the individual is challenging then the emotions we feel when we lose them can be challenging too. It might be mixture of sadness, anger, guilt and any other possible emotion.
What can I do when I feel this way?
- Talk about it – Talking about your loved one is the best course of action, encourage those around you to share their happy stories and fond memories. It is also useful to speak to someone who might not know the person, sometimes being surrounded by grief can bring those feelings of being overwhelmed. Telling someone outside of the immediate circle can help you to share the burden of the loss with someone else.
- Photo books – When we are grieving we can forget to appreciate the things we still have from or of the person we loved. Photos are a magical thing, why not gather as many photos as you can to make a photo book. It could be something you then ask people to write memories in too and then whenever you’re feeling like you’re forgetting your loved one, this book will be all you need to remember.
- Write about it – Writing can help you to express what you feel, write to a diary or just on a random bit of paper. You could write about them or write to them, writing someone a letter can help us release all of those thoughts and feelings we wish we had said. Write it down and encourage others to do the same, you could even buy some biodegradable balloons and fill them with helium to release those thoughts into the sky.
- Start a thankful tree – As well as the option to write something and send it to the sky, we could also encourage those around us to share what we a thankful to our loved one for. For example, ‘I am thankful that you taught me how to tie my shoe laces’. The thanks can be small or big, either way it will allow you to be surrounded by others and talk fondly of your loved one.
Who might be able to help?
Despite trying hard to do things yourself, we always need more help sometimes, remember that this is okay, that it is normal, and it is brave to admit as such. See below for some useful links to further support:
- Kooth offers confidential online support for young people aged 11 to 18 at Kooth.com
- NHS the NHS website offers some great tips and links for dealing with bereavement in your teens.
- Young minds is a fantastic website full of useful information on a range of issues, these pages specify in grief in your teen years.
- Mind – A website focussed on ensuring positive mental health, specifically their section on managing bereavement.
- Barnardo’s have 7 helpful tips to manage your feelings when experiencing a bereavement.
- The Good Grief Trust have lots of useful links and guidance for you to explore.